SHORT HAIR, DON'T CARE! Tales of an offbeat bride...

Well, hello fellow life-remixers :)  Hope all is well on your side of the globe!  As for me, I've been enjoying the chilly, rainy weather here in Germany.  Makes for the perfect wedding planning weather -- snuggled up under Ryan's Big Bang Theory blanket that I gifted him and then stole for my deployment, sipping on herbal tea, exchanging ideas with my craftiest bff ever.

 

One thing I've found kind of iffy are the countless wedding checklists and unsolicited advice out there.  I'm not saying it hasn't been helpful; my eyes have definitely been opened to how much time, effort, and money (holy moly, A LOT of freakin' money) the average brides put into their special day.  While I'm thankful to have found some practical tips and creative aesthetics, I'm finding myself marking "N/A" (the nice way of saying "eff that!!!!") next to some of the items on the checklists instead of a check mark.

One of my absolute FAVORITE (insert sarcasm) pieces of advice was somewhere around the 6 month mark, it said something like this, "This is the time you should be thinking about what hairstyle you will wear on your big day!  If you have short hair, GROW IT OUT!  You'll be happy you did!"  Hmmm...  

Or I can get these! 

Not that I don't think about it...  I often go through phases where I think I'll be able to do more things with long hair or would make me more, dare I say, feminine.  I'd say every other year I grow it out, only to end up chopping it again into a variety of kick ass hair cuts (yes, that was self-proclaimed kick assness).  In my defense, inquiring women contribute to my chopping addiction lol, flattering me with questions like, where I get my hair cut, how did I explain it to the stylist, what products I use, etc.  More often than not they follow with, "I've always wanted to do it, but I'm scared!"  Encouraging complete strangers to face their fear (even if it IS just hair) is just as empowering as consistently going under the shears.

Sooo many styles to try!  I've been experimenting more with my natural curls lately.  I usually straighten it, which isn't good for your hair, but I'm really digging the natural look.

This was last year, I think.  Picture this, but with the A-symm haircut I have right now. 

  
In my 32 years on Earth, I've had short hair more than I've had long hair, so I see no reason to be a different person on my wedding day.  And really, for you other brides out there, it's less about hair and more about just doing what will make you and your fiance happy.  Some very special friends have taught me that these past few weeks (thank you guys)!  Your wedding will be the most beautiful day of your life whether there's 300 guests or 30, if you have a ginormous cake or a cup cake tower, the best DJ or an Ipod on shuffle lol, oh and of course long hair or short hair.  Be the person your fiance asked to marry.  Be yourself!  

Not how my fiance proposed, but I would have swooned just as much if he did haha!

How I was supposed to propose... but didnt!

A lot of people ask me how Ryan proposed.  It's a story I will never grow tired of telling, but what many don't know is that if I had gone through my original plan, Ryan would be the one telling the story about the day that I, yes I, proposed to him.

I can name a million times throughout our relationship when I knew he was the one, but I was never ready, always feeling like there were so many other things I had yet to accomplish.  While Ryan had been successful in his career on top of recently graduating with his Master's degree, I always felt like I needed to catch up.  Not that he ever made me feel that way, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve that nagging "list" of things while proving that I could be an independent single mom. While I thought I was being a good girlfriend by not asking for things or relying too much on him, I was also bottling up a lot of affection, vulnerability, and... love.  I think it's called "pride".

During the first year it seemed he was always apologizing about something.  Sorry you have been hurt in the past.  Sorry you're frustrated with school.  Sorry you don't get enough sleep.  Sorry you and Kahlil are alone in your apartment while there is a huge thunderstorm.  

Year 1

Looking back I realize that every apology wasn't "because" he ever did anything wrong but "just because" he sincerely wanted to make things easier for me and make me smile.  His gratuitous apologies were never without a kind gesture, whether big or small.  Flowers.  A massage.  A home cooked meal. Doing my dishes (sometimes a week's worth).  Watching Kahlil while I studied.  Fixing my car.  And even driving an hour in the middle of the night to sleep next to me for 3 hours before driving another hour to work.

Year 2

After I had completed my Psych Tech course and got a descent job, we moved in together.  Pretty big step, but in the back of my mind I was still thinking of that dreaded list, as if there was a way to somehow match his contributions to our relationship.  Then out of nowhere I got orders to deploy, which needless to say shook up our world.  I won't go into detail about how stressful deployment is, but as always, Ryan stepped up to the plate.  

Year 3

While all my friends and family would ask when we were ever going to get hitched, I don't know why it took deploying to truly know that I was ready.  Maybe because even thousands of miles apart, Ryan is able to ease my worries by basically taking on the single dad role, always treating Kahlil like his own.  Maybe because I finally see that I have accomplished a lot and that Ryan recognizes it and appreciates me.  Or maybe simply because it literally hurts to be apart.

Year 4

So... A month into my deployment I decided I'd propose when he came to visit me.  Instead of a ring, I bought him a compass to symbolize the places we have been, and the direction we are headed.  How to do it?  A flashmob in Germany?  A scavenger hunt in France?  All my friends were prepared to help me.  I finally decided to take him on a picnic at Heidelburg Palace, but instead I had an anxiety attack and picked a fight instead (how romantic)!  

 For the next week or so, the Tiffany's box sat in my purse, fraying the ends of the bow.  I finally gave it to him in Prague on his birthday... but still couldn't get the words out.  What the heck?!  I suck at proposing!!  Proposing is the hardest thing I've never done!!  It seriously kept me from having fun, I was a nervous wreck!!  I finally decided to just relax and enjoy the next few precious days together.  If it happened, cool.  If not, I'd ask when I returned from my deployment.  I could practically hear the locals making clucking chicken noises at me.

We're blessed to have fam & friends who root for us.  My dear friends, Maria & Jerel Francisco, helped get this to me in Germany when I thought Tiffany&Co didn't ship overseas.  Turns out I was on the wrong website, doh!! HAHA!!  Nevertheless, while marriage was once something I feared, I now look forward to it because of great examples like them. 

And then it happened.  On Ryan's second to the last night, he popped the question!  After telling me he had been wanting to marry me for the longest time, waiting for me to be ready, I burst into tears... and not even cute tears... sobbing, red-nosed, unable to even answer, tears all over his shirt.  Yup.  That's me.  Miss romantic.  Haha!!

August 2, 2013

So yea, that's the end of that story, but it's only the beginning of many chapters to come.  I'm sure I'll have a lot more graceless milestones to talk about, but one thing I know for sure is that God put Ryan in my life to show me that someone can love me even when I fall short.  It's not about being perfect.  It's about being perfect for each other.  In turn, I've learned how to give more of myself and not to hold back.  I know it sounds crazy, but I can't wait to get home to make him my priority.  Because I know everything else will fall into place as long as we have our love.   

To Everything (Turn, turn, turn)

This song has been in my head all morning.  

My dad used to sing it to us as kids.  Of course back then I didn't know the meaning of it's lyrics, and I'm sure the screaming girls didn't either.  Peter Seger, a folk singer, based it off Ecclesiastes 3 from the bible and was later remade by many artists including The Byrds, a 60s rock band.  I found myself reciting one of it's lines to a dear friend today, "There is a season for everything".

Just from the catchy chorus I always knew it meant that there is a time for everything, but after reading and rereading the entire verse, it made me realize how unknowing the human heart is.

Eccl. 3:11 reads, “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

This got me stuck at first until I read that the Hebrew translation of eternity means to "hide or conceal".  I think hidden things of an everlasting nature have been put in all of our hearts so that we can't always understand why things happen the way they do, when they do, but at the right time we will.

With everything happening in the world, this isn't easy to understand.  I'm troubled, daily, but on a smaller scale, I am comforted.  

As Pete Seeger said in an interview with Alec Wilkinson, writer of The Protest Singer, "It's worth considering.  The world is filled with opposites intertangled.  Good and bad.  Nobody knows.  Only God knows.  The agricultural revolution took thousands of years, the industrial revolution took hundreds of years, and now the information revolution only took decades.  If we use the brains God gave us, who knows what miracles can happen in the next few years.

 

 





 

Major Mentor: great advice from my new mentor

Everyone should have a mentor who gives good advice, keeps you accountable, gets you thinking long term, helps you to realize the possibilities and your potential to achieve them, offers perspective and is a walking example of balance despite their personal challenges and craziness of the world around them.  

I've been lucky in my lifetime to have different kinds of mentors.  Spiritual mentors, other single moms, fellow service members, etc.  During my time here in Germany I have had the honor to meet who we will call Major Mentor -- a female enlisted Marine turned Air Force nurse officer, turned nurse practioner who is about to get her doctrate degree at the end of this year.  Dang!  When I first met Major Mentor, I was seriously intimidated by her lol.  Not because of her rank or the fact that she leads an all male crew on missions down range, saving hundreds of injured patients' lives, but because of her loud, no BS type of personality. I've come to have the highest respect for her rather than fear.

The first time I had an actual conversation with her I learned that she has a soft spot for Filipinos lol.  It was mentioned that I get mistaken for all types of Asian.  Her response was hilarious, said in her straight New Yorkan accent, "Oh no honey, yaw definitely Fil-ah-pino!  Not fah nothin, but yaw Fil-ah-pino!  Let my tell you why I know...!"

She goes on to tell a great story about how she was lucky enough to be stationed in the Philippines once upon a time and loved it.  She cracked me up especially when she said, "Fil-ah-pino food is slammin!"

She proceeded to tell me how she went from being a Marine (a Marine!!) to an Air Force nurse.  It turned out she deployed with a group of nurses who were, in fact, Filipino lol, "Of cawse they wah Fil-ah-pino, ALL Fil-ah-pinos ah narses!"  She had me cracking up because, let's be honest, there are a lot!

Here's where the mentorship began... 

Major Mentor:  So!  When ah you goin ta join the dawk side?

Me:  LOL, you mean be a nurse?  I dunno.  I've always thought about it, but it's too hard!  So many prereqs.  I'm too old.  I have a kid.  I have a full time job etc, etc, etc (basically every excuse under the sun).

The Betty H. Carter Women Veterans Historical Project

library.uncg.edu

Today Major Mentor approached me and asked me to drive her out to the flight line, during which she asked me, once again, when I would be joining the "dahk side" lol.  What's normally a five minute drive turned into an hour (maybe more) of us in the vehicle where she not only gave me advice on becoming a nurse but also how to be a loving wife and stellar airman. 

On being married:

• Always tell your husband you appreciate what he does.  Don't just say, "thank you", that's not enough, you say that all the time to everyone!  Be specific and say you appreciate him and what he does every day.  
• You gotta like your husband.  It's not enough to just love him.  You gotta actually like being around him, 24/7.  There's a huge difference between like and love.
• When you get home, hang your military hat up and make sure you put your other hats on (wife hat, mommy hat, etc)  
• Before I get home from a drill weekend, I always pick up dinner.  When I get home I drop everything and make sure I eat with my husband and kids no matter how exhausted I am
• When I get home from a long deployment, I cry when I'm 20 minutes from home because I am so happy I am about to see my husband of 26 years (that's not really advice, but it completely touched my heart and made me cry to see such a strong woman feel so deeply emotional about the man she loves).

On becoming a nurse:

• It's the most rewarding job you can have, and you will always have a job.
• Don't tell me it's too hard, or because you have a kid, or whatever BS reason you have for not becoming one.  The only person that will keep you from succeeding in life is yourself.  
• Be aware of culture sensitivity
• A psych tech is a great career, but don't stop there.  Who knows, maybe you can be a psych nurse.  Either way you would make a great one.

On being an airman:

• Don't be a "run away".  Don't be one of those airmen who run away from their problems and make excuses to booze it up.  Take care of your problems.  
• Nothing is permanent.  You are exactly where you are supposed to be
• (Points at my stripes) Were those given to you?  Or did you earn them?  You earned them!  So wear your uniform with pride.  When you're in uniform act as if that is all you're about.  
• Display yourself as the respectful airman that you are and respect others.  You don't have to be people's best friend, or they don't have to even like you, but respect the rank.
• Don't piss people of because you WILL see them again.  It is a small Air Force (LOL!)

On being you:

• Who cares what other people say and think.  Are they feeding you?  Are they putting a roof over your heard?  No.  
• Take care of yourself over anybody else.  You can't love your son or your husband the right way if you don't take care of yourself first
•  You can always tell something's not right in someone's personal life by they way they conduct themselves.  Be happy.  
• Don't stop going to school.  You WILL be an officer someday.

I truly hope to stay in touch with Major Mentor.  Whether I decide to follow her path, I know in my heart that it's achievable.  I have a loving and encouraging fiance who seriously wouldn't care one way or another if I pursued interior design, medical, military, or even a stay at home mom, supportive parents who've shown me love even after all my mistakes, and my son who is reason enough to continue to push myself and improve.  Just like Major Mentor, it's better to be an example than tell your kid how to live.  

Image by Lani Pagmanua

You are exactly where you are supposed to be

We spend a great deal of time wishing we were any place than where we are.  Someplace in the future.  Some place in the past.  The perfect world where we have the perfect career, the perfect parents, the perfect bank account.  The problem with this kind of thinking is that it keeps us from appreciating the present, from lessons we're meant to learn, and from seeing our true purpose in life.

It's obvious from my recent posts that I've been missing my fiance and son and have been wanting to go home.  Several of us have been very homesick lately, which is natural.  People tend to lose the initial adrenaline, but fortunately for me, several things happened this week that reminded me that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

1.  On Thursday I met this gentleman:

Sgt. Maj. Bryan B. Battaglia, Senior Enlisted Advisor to the Chairman, Joint Chief of Staff

As the highest non-commissioned officer in the U.S. Armed Forces (that means he's the highest ranking NCO in the ENTIRE U.S. military!!  Holy smokes, look at those ribbons!!) his role is to advise the Chairman and Secretary of Defense.  It's hard to believe that I shook hands and talked shop with him along with other select junior enlisted.  He was extremely down to Earth, made jokes, and was very easy to talk to.  Everyone did an amazing job presenting their area of expertise.  I'm honored to be a part of this team.

My fellow loggie, SSgt Joel Valentine, and I were the last to present the overall aspects and daily tasks of what we do as deployed logisticians in an aerovac squadron.  When I think back to what was said -- the astronomical dollar amount that we are responsible for, the medical support that we provide, the management of supplies, equipment, and medications that we ensure are readily available -- I realize now that I've completely undervalued my job.  

Sgt Maj Battaglia's reaction totally caught me off guard.  Even after hearing the other presentations about patient care, emergency procedures in flight, all of the action down range, he couldn't believe that two humble junior enlisted folks were responsible for managing what's easily perceived as nothing more than a dirty warehouse.  He turned to the others and asked them them if they were as appreciative of us as he was sure we are of them.  An amazing, amazing moment of a life time that I will never forget.

2.  I'm still choked up about what happened today.  I was alerted in the morning that the crews needed a specific piece of equipment for a NICU team flying back to the states.  We had it, but unfortunately it was due for maintenance.  I had to get creative, made several calls until I found one for lone from another unit.  Within 20 minutes I was out on the flight line to deliver the equipment, and that's when I saw four medical buses filled with patients waiting to be loaded onto the aircraft that would soon fly to Andrews AFB where they can receive the critical care that they need.  

Image from usatoday.com

I have always heard stories.  As a loggie I don't work with patients, which is why today was another amazing day I will never forget.  As I ran up to the aircraft, individuals were being carried on liters, attached to various pieces of equipment... equipment that the loggies manage.  My heart sank, I felt out of breath, and my eyes watered.  I couldn't cut in line, so I waited as an entire bus was unloaded.  I was in complete awe of the commands being given, the stellar team work, and most of all the positive attitudes of the patients despite their condition.  One patient, I was able to read his lips through all the noise of the craft and wind... He said 'thank you' to one of the airman carrying his liter...  

Image from afscent.af.mil

I could've cried my eyes out, right then and there, but one of the Majors snapped me out of it and told me I had forgotten one of the pieces to secure the equipment.  And I sure did too.  I drove back to the unit, came back in 3 minutes flat, and watched another load until I was able to walk onto the plane with my most special delivery.

3.  The day couldn't have gotten any better until...  Bedbugs.  Yes, bedbugs.  My neighbor reported having them in her bed, which meant an entire section of our building had to be sprayed and evacuated, and of course, my room was in that section.  I was instructed to move all of my things tonight to a different building far away from all of aerovac personnel.  I was upset for a quick second, but after a day like today and yesterday I decided not to make a big deal about it and that things can always be worse.  Well, it most definitely wasn't worse.  I was given a fantastic room.  That's all I will say about that lol.  

I feel silly for ever feeling sorry for myself out here.  Again and again, I've been given the most outrageous opportunities.  I've traveled through nearly 10 countries.  I've eaten escargot cooked three different ways and schnitzel 500 different ways.  I've hiked up to a castle.  I've lit candles and prayed in the most historic and beautiful cathedrals. I've looked Mona Lisa and Venus de Milo in the eyes. I've seen the Eiffel tower in the morning, noon, and night.  I've ridden a river boat in Amsterdam and in Prague.  I've walked the same spring water piped streets that Queen Latifah walked on.  I was engaged on a bridge of love in Paris.  I have amazing friends who I would literally lay my life for.  Through technology I can check on my son and find out he is loving first grade so far.  I've met the Senior Enlisted Advisor to the Chairman, JCS. I work with heroes.  And to think, I have only six weeks left to enjoy these opportunities.  When I get home, I'm sure I'll find myself wishing I was in any of these said places.

I say I'm blessed all the time, but often times I don't act like it.  I tell myself to give praise even when times are hard.  We should ESPECIALLY when times are hard.  Because I'm learning that it's not the happy ones who are thankful; it's the thankful ones who are happy.  In any situation.  Exactly where they are.

There's always something to learn from Rick Warren

"Growth is nurtured by humility and strangled by pride. I can't learn from others until I admit what I don't know."

Reality is perception... My thoughts after one week of being engaged

I wish I can say I've been completely positive this week.  Saying goodbye to Ryan this time around was even harder than the first.  In efforts to focus on the remainder of this deployment we've pushed thoughts of wedding planning to the back of our minds.  My biggest challenge has been knowing that my son will be starting 1st grade (big boy school!) this Wednesday, and I won't be there.  He's a brave boy and is in the best hands, but the thought of missing out on his orientation, school shopping, cooking him breakfast, and dropping him off makes me so sad.  His first days of day care, preschool, and kindergarten have always been among my favorite memories of being a mother.

The reality of being apart from my loved ones has forced me to continuously change my perspective about things.  I jumped at another chance to go to Paris; just a day trip this time to give a tour to a couple fellow airmen who had never been.  This time I realized and was intrigued that the Eiffel Tower can present itself in so many ways from different angles and times of the day.

The first time, my friends and I walked from the metro in the evening, just in time to see the the last light show. Even with the hundreds of obnoxious, drunken teenagers running around, I never imagined I'd experience such beauty, awe and excitement like that again, until...

The second time, a taxi dropped Ryan and I off around noon to enjoy a picnic.   There are gypsies in Paris that beg for food and money, and we found that many of them roam around the Eiffel during the day lol.  I giggled when one tried to reach down for a nearby picnicer's salami and cheese.  It only added to the dream-like, romantic afternoon.

The third time, we parked in a residential spot.  We thought we were close because even from far away, the monument looks huge.  We walked and watch it get bigger and bigger the closer we got.  Later, I learned a lot of random facts.  Did you know Gustave Eiffel also engineered the internal structure of the Statue of Liberty?  I was impressed and moved by his response to many Frenchmen who were against the construction of the tower, fearing that it took away from the beauty of Paris.  They thought that it's dark iron frame didn't match the slew of European gothic buildings.

"...  I believe that the Tower will have its own beauty.  Are actual conditions of strength not always compatible with the hidden conditions of harmony?  But what condition did I need to address in the case of the tower? Resistance to wind.  It's great impression of strength and beauty, because they will convey to the eyes the boldness of the conception in its totality. Numerous empty spaces that are part of the plan, constant concern of not uselessly sacrificing to violent thunderstorms surfaces that pose a danger to the stability of the edifice..."

I know that has nothing to do with me, but some of the words just jumped out at me and made me realize that my family was made to be strong and beautiful.  I just have to change my perspective.

Different perspectives of the Iron Lady

The end of the beginning. The half way point. LET'S DO THIS!

Wishing my other half a safe flight home to California.  Words can't express how thankful I am that we were able to share some rare quality time in Europe.  If not for the ring on my finger and the millions of pictures we took, I'd think it was all a dream. 

Frankfurt Airport

 

While every part of me just wants to sort through more pictures and cry all night, I remind myself that everything is as it should be and am still lucky to be in the position that I'm in.  After I got home from the airport I got an invite for dinner.  So thankful to have such positive, caring friends out here who won't let me wallow in my room.  It felt so nice to share the details of Ryan's proposal as well as my "almost" proposal.  Story for another day :)

That's right, I almost did!

It's important to have a good support system.  The realization that we've already surpassed our half way point was a topic of discussion over yet another great meal in an outdoor patio.  One can seriously never run out of good places to eat here.  The icing on top of the cake was when out of nowhere the sky was filled with fireworks, which totally made me tear up.  I'm not sure if I was just missing Ryan or just feeling a surge of gratitude.  Maybe both.  Either way they are feelings that have yet to fade.

The oldest and youngest of Team Travis who are currently deployed with the 10th AE, Ramstein AB Germany.  The BEST Senior Airman you will ever meet, he has no idea how much he makes me smile.  If you're reading this, I love you Baby Holguin! 

At times there are challenges within our mission on top of matters that require our attention back at home.  It's not all fun and games.  I've probably portrayed it that way in efforts to focus on the positives.  Truth is, the biggest reward is to simply be a part of it all.  To belong to something bigger than yourself is what it's all about.  We are literally in the presence of heroes.  I pray that God uses me to make a personal difference in others' lives as they have already done for me.

Most people don't know what I do in the military.  It's not this.  How AWESOME are they?  I'm just a humble Medical Logistician.  I do a variety of tasks to support missions for people... no.. HEROES like them.  Nothing I do comes close.  At times I feel like I don't do enough.

Although Ryan isn't here physically, his presence in my life continues to encourage me.  It's not just because he flew six thousand miles to be with me for two weeks or that he proposed.  It's simply because he involves himself completely in the things that matter to me -- my son, my career (he seriously knows more about military matters than I do), my interests, my well being.  One of the last things he told me today was to hang out with my friends tonight.  He also told me to travel as much as I can and to stay busy.  It really means a lot.  Not everyone has that kind of support.  Through my sadness, I've regained motivation to make the best of the last two months.  Here I go!! 

The day after Ryan proposed.  Chillin' behind the Eiffel Tower like it ain't no thang!  Definitely one of the top best experiences of my life.  I'll be home soon, hunny.  I love you.

There's good news... and then there's THE good news.

Lord knows I have a lot to share today, but for starters...  Ryan proposed, and of course, I said YES!!  AAAAAGH!!

 

The past three days have been spent basking in this wonderful chapter in our lives together.  I've so much happiness to express, but at the same time I'm sad because in 10 hours Ryan will be on a plane heading back to the states.  

I really know how to put a damper on things, don't I?  But that's my reality right now.  As I lay here listening to him breathing, sound asleep next to me, my heart is heavy, but...

... the good news is:

Love endures ALL things

Wait, I still have a wedding to plan before I start bustin' out Corinthians quotes,  but I do take comfort in God's word during times like these.  I hope anyone out there going through a deployment, a long distance relationship, or just feeling down will be comforted as well.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  James 4:10.  Before I open my Bible and/or have a convo with God, I make an effort to humble myself.  I think about how seriously spoiled I am to be where I'm at.  Alive and healthy.  I could be in Afghanistan (where visitors NOT being allowed isn't the worst that could happen), but instead I'm in Europe.  Respect to all my brothers and sisters in all branches who are out there going through things people back home can't even begin to imagine.  It's an understatement when I say that they are answering the call.  I am extremely thankful and humbled.

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh.  Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27. Oh, how I love the book of Jeremiah.  Side note for anytime you feel things aren't going right, or you're feeling hopeless about your future, maaaan, pop open Jeremiah.  He'll set you straight, for sure!  God has PLANS for you that you don't even realize.  If He brought you to it, He will get you through it.  Whether it be troubles with loneliness, finances, relationships, your job, your health or whatever you're going through, recognize that nothing is too hard with the Lord beside you.

And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. Luke 18:1  Ok, so I came to this one by our trusty friend, Google.  I typed in "long distance relationship" (it's ok if you laugh at me for searching that, I did!), and this appeared on one of those inspirational images.  It has always been my dream to backpack through Europe, but the true adventure is praising God in every circumstance.  Think about it.  However foreign your issues, however hard they are to understand, however costly... pray and never lose heart.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12  Hope is the expectation of something desired.  Humans rely on hope, and when things don't happen when we want them to we get butt hurt by the delay.  But, when the desired thing finally happens, you feel revived.  While your hope is "deferred" work on your "deference", which is submission and respect.  Let the Lord do His thing, and you'll be fulfilled... in His time, in His way.  Sometimes it seems unfair, but suck it up.  You ain't the Father, haha, jk jk jk.  But seriously, nothing is permanent.  Hang in there!  Tree of life, son!! ;)

I can tell I'm delirious because I'm getting all gangsta about The Word, but I'm just keepin' it 100.  See, there I go again!  Truth is, I am an Airman in the US Air Force, but I'm a soldier for Christ.  He has fought beside me, and in turn I've been blessed beyond comprehension.  Light years before Ryan proposed, I have experienced what I thought was complete hopelessness.  Knowing God was like coming home, and it made all the strife worth it.  So in a huge way, home is wherever you're at.  How about one more?  Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

Had to end it with Corinthians cuz it's all about LOVE.  Love is definitely in the air this weekend!!  Ryan wasn't the only one planning a proposal... A big congrats to my future sister in law, Rosemarie, and her groom to be, JP!  We truly have the most wonderful boyfriends... err... fiances :)

I think I'll try to get a couple hours of sleep before it's time to head to the airport.  Sigh.  Good night everyone. 

Day & Night

Just some remixing fun from my OOTD touring Nanstein Castle, and then a late night dinner at Doner Kabob.  All within the local town of Landstuhl right outside the gate.

Same outfit, different shoes.

Day and night accessories that would've made these OOTD's cuter.  Bowler hat jbros.com.  Scarf indulgy.com

Why I blog

My last entry was so... emo.  I sincerely appreciate the support from everyone; many who are beautiful strong moms who may not be going through the same thing but know exactly how I feel.

 

I stayed up past 5am being depressed, then slept until noon.  Ryan actually woke up before me, got a haircut, ran errands, bought breakfast, and now he's doing laundry!  And he's the one who's supposed to be on vacay.

Orbie's mini donuts.  Yum.  Donuts are meant to cheer people up in the morning.  Reminds me of Pier 39.  Thanks, Ryan!

One thing that has helped with the mommy blues (other than mini donuts) has been blogging.  I still have that little voice inside my head that thinks I'm super cheesy for blogging, but I'm serious when I say it has been my saving grace.

Haters be like, "You have a blog?  As if you are a somebody!!" LOL.  Image from bicoastalbitchin.com

Blogging is basically journaling but cooler and everyone and their mom can read it.  I enjoy reading other blogs and love giving credit where it's due, especially since I am inspired by many writers like Maud Purcell who talks about the following benefits of journaling on Psych Central:

• Clarify your thoughts and feelings. Do you ever seem all jumbled up inside, unsure of what you want or feel? Taking a few minutes to jot down your thoughts and emotions will quickly get you in touch with your internal world.
• Know yourself better. By writing routinely you will get to know what makes you feel happy and confident. You will also become clear about situations and people who are toxic for you — important information for your emotional well-being.
• Reduce stress. Writing about anger, sadness and other painful emotions helps to release the intensity of these feelings. By doing so you will feel calmer and better able to stay in the present.
• Solve problems more effectively. Typically we problem solve from a left-brained, analytical perspective. But sometimes the answer can only be found by engaging right-brained creativity and intuition. Writing unlocks these other capabilities, and affords the opportunity for unexpected solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems. 

What I didn't expect from blogging was the sense of community and support I get from my readers daily.  I didn't realize that by simply sharing my remixes that people would relate and be entertained or inspired.  

My remixes are seriously ordinary.  Just like any broke down twenty something year old, I was just doing what I had to do to stay afloat, and when I changed my perspective I realized I was doing nothing more than making changes wherever I could with what I had.  It's simple enough to understand, not as simple to apply.  

Courage to change what I can.  What I wear around my neck everyday.  We all need reminders.

When I challenged myself to have a blog, all of sudden I felt the urge to put more effort at whatever it was I was doing, took on more projects, took better pictures (lots of room for improvement there), started taking better care of myself, thought deeper about where I've been, the ups and the downs, and can honestly say, wow, I'm kind of alright, haha!  I'm actually someone I wanted to be growing up. Yes, journaling and blogging does that  to you. 

We all have friends who post a hundred meaningless status updates a day.  I found myself doing that, posting about diy projects and my kid.  By blogging I can reach out to community of people who actually love the same things I do.  People ask me from time to time if I plan on blogging for money, which A LOT of people do.  I've gotten a few offers to advertise people's businesses, but for now I don't see myself pursuing promos and things like that.  Maybe in the future when I have more time to focus on aesthetics and stuff.  There are so many amazing blogs out there that inspire me, but for now I blog for the benefits of journaling.

Other reasons I blog?  It's fun (!), cheers me up (or gets me down, depends on what I'm writing about.  Either way, I'm in touch with my feelings haha), keeps me engaged, encourages creativity, gives me permission to laugh at myself and try new things.  I get a kick out of what people openly share; their quirks, motivational life experiences, travels, interests... even makeup and fashion.  I'm no guru, but it keeps me young.

Stay tuned for my "Turning Japanese in Germany... I really think so" entry :)

Happy blogging and, of course, remixing!

Being a mother means always having your heart broken... My new promises to my child

"Being a mother means always having your heart broken".  I remember reading that when I was pregnant and didn't quite understand it.  To me being heart broken always translated to being unhappy about something or someone.  When I first heard my son's heart beat, felt him kick, or actually saw the shape of his foot pushing against my tummy, I still didn't get it.  It all brought me so much joy.  Why would my heart be broken, and why always?

It wasn't until I saw his thick curly hair, heard his first cry, felt his warm, smooth skin, and his tiny hand grasping my finger.. that I finally understood. 

Being heart broken for your child simply means you love them so much it literally hurts.  It means that you're always on the verge of crying because you either want the best for them so much that it frustrates you, or because you're just so darn proud of them.

 I totally get it, especially right now while my son and I apart.  It seriously pains me, and not just for the obvious reason of missing him, but for all the ways I fear I fail to appreciate all that he is and does, or times I was too hard on him or not hard enough, or how I haven't involved him in enough activities like karate or dance or soccer or swimming or violin or whatever like I maybe probably should be... 

These are the things that cross my mind, and I know it's the devil messing with me because he knows there's no one I love more than that kid, and even I know none of those things or me being with him 24/7 would create a perfect child.

As much as my heart swells to think so hard about it, I am eager to be the best mom I can be when I return from this deployment. I think every parent should actively think about this stuff.  Call me emo, but I think it's when I'm crying tears of joy AND tears of pain that I set the best goals for myself and have the proper determination to see them through.  

 

I read an article recently by Jody Wright from Renaissance Universal about treating your kids as equals.  It made me realize how immature we can be with our children.  I chuckled and teared up at the same time thinking about how blessed I am to have a son who has always been mature for his age, always so conscientious and understanding of adult matters especially right now during my deployment.  Many parents don't believe in treating their children like equals, like the article suggests, but I certainly think kids deserve a level of mature exchanges. 

It actually gave me comfort in knowing that I can consciously make better decisions and lovingly interact with my son by broadening my views.  My favorite line, "They (children) are spiritual beings, perhaps closer to a knowledge of God, having just been born from her, than we are.  From this point of view, we become gardeners for living things, rather than potters of old clay."  Word.

This is my take on Wright's advice on reducing "adultism".  These are my promises as a mother:

1. Give eye contact and complete attention.  I know, I know moms are busy, but I'd give anything right now to be swamped with something important, and then just drop it and play with my son.
2. Watch what I say and how I say it.  I mean really, how do our words compare when we talk to adults that we're frustrated with?   
3. Change the environment rather than yell or criticize.  Do I have to yell for something that will probably only occur once?  
4. Don't discipline in front of people.  This is one that I hate myself for because, in truth, I never spank my son.  I rarely even yell. All it takes is to have a little chat or give him "the eye", and he behaves.  But when we're in front of friends or family I find myself feeling like I have to be harsh or seemingly in control.  I've raised a gentle soul.  There's no need for all that.  Sharing my feelings and concerns in a private intimate setting has always worked for us.
5. Appreciate growth and the strength it takes for them to do it.  Listen to their words, body language, and expressions.  Just love them, and your heart and theirs will open up.   

It will still hurt, but a good kind of hurt.  Being deployed has taught me to never take people you love for granted.  Never expect they'll always be there to give you a hug, make you laugh, or set you straight.  Absence has definitely made my heart a whole lot fonder. 

We'll always be the Dynamic Duo

Reenacting our first date in Germany

(Click on the speaker symbol to hear music.  Slideshow brought to you by Kizoa)

Best autograph ever!