How I was supposed to propose... but didnt!

A lot of people ask me how Ryan proposed.  It's a story I will never grow tired of telling, but what many don't know is that if I had gone through my original plan, Ryan would be the one telling the story about the day that I, yes I, proposed to him.

I can name a million times throughout our relationship when I knew he was the one, but I was never ready, always feeling like there were so many other things I had yet to accomplish.  While Ryan had been successful in his career on top of recently graduating with his Master's degree, I always felt like I needed to catch up.  Not that he ever made me feel that way, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve that nagging "list" of things while proving that I could be an independent single mom. While I thought I was being a good girlfriend by not asking for things or relying too much on him, I was also bottling up a lot of affection, vulnerability, and... love.  I think it's called "pride".

During the first year it seemed he was always apologizing about something.  Sorry you have been hurt in the past.  Sorry you're frustrated with school.  Sorry you don't get enough sleep.  Sorry you and Kahlil are alone in your apartment while there is a huge thunderstorm.  

Year 1

Looking back I realize that every apology wasn't "because" he ever did anything wrong but "just because" he sincerely wanted to make things easier for me and make me smile.  His gratuitous apologies were never without a kind gesture, whether big or small.  Flowers.  A massage.  A home cooked meal. Doing my dishes (sometimes a week's worth).  Watching Kahlil while I studied.  Fixing my car.  And even driving an hour in the middle of the night to sleep next to me for 3 hours before driving another hour to work.

Year 2

After I had completed my Psych Tech course and got a descent job, we moved in together.  Pretty big step, but in the back of my mind I was still thinking of that dreaded list, as if there was a way to somehow match his contributions to our relationship.  Then out of nowhere I got orders to deploy, which needless to say shook up our world.  I won't go into detail about how stressful deployment is, but as always, Ryan stepped up to the plate.  

Year 3

While all my friends and family would ask when we were ever going to get hitched, I don't know why it took deploying to truly know that I was ready.  Maybe because even thousands of miles apart, Ryan is able to ease my worries by basically taking on the single dad role, always treating Kahlil like his own.  Maybe because I finally see that I have accomplished a lot and that Ryan recognizes it and appreciates me.  Or maybe simply because it literally hurts to be apart.

Year 4

So... A month into my deployment I decided I'd propose when he came to visit me.  Instead of a ring, I bought him a compass to symbolize the places we have been, and the direction we are headed.  How to do it?  A flashmob in Germany?  A scavenger hunt in France?  All my friends were prepared to help me.  I finally decided to take him on a picnic at Heidelburg Palace, but instead I had an anxiety attack and picked a fight instead (how romantic)!  

 For the next week or so, the Tiffany's box sat in my purse, fraying the ends of the bow.  I finally gave it to him in Prague on his birthday... but still couldn't get the words out.  What the heck?!  I suck at proposing!!  Proposing is the hardest thing I've never done!!  It seriously kept me from having fun, I was a nervous wreck!!  I finally decided to just relax and enjoy the next few precious days together.  If it happened, cool.  If not, I'd ask when I returned from my deployment.  I could practically hear the locals making clucking chicken noises at me.

We're blessed to have fam & friends who root for us.  My dear friends, Maria & Jerel Francisco, helped get this to me in Germany when I thought Tiffany&Co didn't ship overseas.  Turns out I was on the wrong website, doh!! HAHA!!  Nevertheless, while marriage was once something I feared, I now look forward to it because of great examples like them. 

And then it happened.  On Ryan's second to the last night, he popped the question!  After telling me he had been wanting to marry me for the longest time, waiting for me to be ready, I burst into tears... and not even cute tears... sobbing, red-nosed, unable to even answer, tears all over his shirt.  Yup.  That's me.  Miss romantic.  Haha!!

August 2, 2013

So yea, that's the end of that story, but it's only the beginning of many chapters to come.  I'm sure I'll have a lot more graceless milestones to talk about, but one thing I know for sure is that God put Ryan in my life to show me that someone can love me even when I fall short.  It's not about being perfect.  It's about being perfect for each other.  In turn, I've learned how to give more of myself and not to hold back.  I know it sounds crazy, but I can't wait to get home to make him my priority.  Because I know everything else will fall into place as long as we have our love.