Reality is perception... My thoughts after one week of being engaged

I wish I can say I've been completely positive this week.  Saying goodbye to Ryan this time around was even harder than the first.  In efforts to focus on the remainder of this deployment we've pushed thoughts of wedding planning to the back of our minds.  My biggest challenge has been knowing that my son will be starting 1st grade (big boy school!) this Wednesday, and I won't be there.  He's a brave boy and is in the best hands, but the thought of missing out on his orientation, school shopping, cooking him breakfast, and dropping him off makes me so sad.  His first days of day care, preschool, and kindergarten have always been among my favorite memories of being a mother.

The reality of being apart from my loved ones has forced me to continuously change my perspective about things.  I jumped at another chance to go to Paris; just a day trip this time to give a tour to a couple fellow airmen who had never been.  This time I realized and was intrigued that the Eiffel Tower can present itself in so many ways from different angles and times of the day.

The first time, my friends and I walked from the metro in the evening, just in time to see the the last light show. Even with the hundreds of obnoxious, drunken teenagers running around, I never imagined I'd experience such beauty, awe and excitement like that again, until...

The second time, a taxi dropped Ryan and I off around noon to enjoy a picnic.   There are gypsies in Paris that beg for food and money, and we found that many of them roam around the Eiffel during the day lol.  I giggled when one tried to reach down for a nearby picnicer's salami and cheese.  It only added to the dream-like, romantic afternoon.

The third time, we parked in a residential spot.  We thought we were close because even from far away, the monument looks huge.  We walked and watch it get bigger and bigger the closer we got.  Later, I learned a lot of random facts.  Did you know Gustave Eiffel also engineered the internal structure of the Statue of Liberty?  I was impressed and moved by his response to many Frenchmen who were against the construction of the tower, fearing that it took away from the beauty of Paris.  They thought that it's dark iron frame didn't match the slew of European gothic buildings.

"...  I believe that the Tower will have its own beauty.  Are actual conditions of strength not always compatible with the hidden conditions of harmony?  But what condition did I need to address in the case of the tower? Resistance to wind.  It's great impression of strength and beauty, because they will convey to the eyes the boldness of the conception in its totality. Numerous empty spaces that are part of the plan, constant concern of not uselessly sacrificing to violent thunderstorms surfaces that pose a danger to the stability of the edifice..."

I know that has nothing to do with me, but some of the words just jumped out at me and made me realize that my family was made to be strong and beautiful.  I just have to change my perspective.

Different perspectives of the Iron Lady

The end of the beginning. The half way point. LET'S DO THIS!

Wishing my other half a safe flight home to California.  Words can't express how thankful I am that we were able to share some rare quality time in Europe.  If not for the ring on my finger and the millions of pictures we took, I'd think it was all a dream. 

Frankfurt Airport

 

While every part of me just wants to sort through more pictures and cry all night, I remind myself that everything is as it should be and am still lucky to be in the position that I'm in.  After I got home from the airport I got an invite for dinner.  So thankful to have such positive, caring friends out here who won't let me wallow in my room.  It felt so nice to share the details of Ryan's proposal as well as my "almost" proposal.  Story for another day :)

That's right, I almost did!

It's important to have a good support system.  The realization that we've already surpassed our half way point was a topic of discussion over yet another great meal in an outdoor patio.  One can seriously never run out of good places to eat here.  The icing on top of the cake was when out of nowhere the sky was filled with fireworks, which totally made me tear up.  I'm not sure if I was just missing Ryan or just feeling a surge of gratitude.  Maybe both.  Either way they are feelings that have yet to fade.

The oldest and youngest of Team Travis who are currently deployed with the 10th AE, Ramstein AB Germany.  The BEST Senior Airman you will ever meet, he has no idea how much he makes me smile.  If you're reading this, I love you Baby Holguin! 

At times there are challenges within our mission on top of matters that require our attention back at home.  It's not all fun and games.  I've probably portrayed it that way in efforts to focus on the positives.  Truth is, the biggest reward is to simply be a part of it all.  To belong to something bigger than yourself is what it's all about.  We are literally in the presence of heroes.  I pray that God uses me to make a personal difference in others' lives as they have already done for me.

Most people don't know what I do in the military.  It's not this.  How AWESOME are they?  I'm just a humble Medical Logistician.  I do a variety of tasks to support missions for people... no.. HEROES like them.  Nothing I do comes close.  At times I feel like I don't do enough.

Although Ryan isn't here physically, his presence in my life continues to encourage me.  It's not just because he flew six thousand miles to be with me for two weeks or that he proposed.  It's simply because he involves himself completely in the things that matter to me -- my son, my career (he seriously knows more about military matters than I do), my interests, my well being.  One of the last things he told me today was to hang out with my friends tonight.  He also told me to travel as much as I can and to stay busy.  It really means a lot.  Not everyone has that kind of support.  Through my sadness, I've regained motivation to make the best of the last two months.  Here I go!! 

The day after Ryan proposed.  Chillin' behind the Eiffel Tower like it ain't no thang!  Definitely one of the top best experiences of my life.  I'll be home soon, hunny.  I love you.

There's good news... and then there's THE good news.

Lord knows I have a lot to share today, but for starters...  Ryan proposed, and of course, I said YES!!  AAAAAGH!!

 

The past three days have been spent basking in this wonderful chapter in our lives together.  I've so much happiness to express, but at the same time I'm sad because in 10 hours Ryan will be on a plane heading back to the states.  

I really know how to put a damper on things, don't I?  But that's my reality right now.  As I lay here listening to him breathing, sound asleep next to me, my heart is heavy, but...

... the good news is:

Love endures ALL things

Wait, I still have a wedding to plan before I start bustin' out Corinthians quotes,  but I do take comfort in God's word during times like these.  I hope anyone out there going through a deployment, a long distance relationship, or just feeling down will be comforted as well.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  James 4:10.  Before I open my Bible and/or have a convo with God, I make an effort to humble myself.  I think about how seriously spoiled I am to be where I'm at.  Alive and healthy.  I could be in Afghanistan (where visitors NOT being allowed isn't the worst that could happen), but instead I'm in Europe.  Respect to all my brothers and sisters in all branches who are out there going through things people back home can't even begin to imagine.  It's an understatement when I say that they are answering the call.  I am extremely thankful and humbled.

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh.  Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27. Oh, how I love the book of Jeremiah.  Side note for anytime you feel things aren't going right, or you're feeling hopeless about your future, maaaan, pop open Jeremiah.  He'll set you straight, for sure!  God has PLANS for you that you don't even realize.  If He brought you to it, He will get you through it.  Whether it be troubles with loneliness, finances, relationships, your job, your health or whatever you're going through, recognize that nothing is too hard with the Lord beside you.

And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. Luke 18:1  Ok, so I came to this one by our trusty friend, Google.  I typed in "long distance relationship" (it's ok if you laugh at me for searching that, I did!), and this appeared on one of those inspirational images.  It has always been my dream to backpack through Europe, but the true adventure is praising God in every circumstance.  Think about it.  However foreign your issues, however hard they are to understand, however costly... pray and never lose heart.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12  Hope is the expectation of something desired.  Humans rely on hope, and when things don't happen when we want them to we get butt hurt by the delay.  But, when the desired thing finally happens, you feel revived.  While your hope is "deferred" work on your "deference", which is submission and respect.  Let the Lord do His thing, and you'll be fulfilled... in His time, in His way.  Sometimes it seems unfair, but suck it up.  You ain't the Father, haha, jk jk jk.  But seriously, nothing is permanent.  Hang in there!  Tree of life, son!! ;)

I can tell I'm delirious because I'm getting all gangsta about The Word, but I'm just keepin' it 100.  See, there I go again!  Truth is, I am an Airman in the US Air Force, but I'm a soldier for Christ.  He has fought beside me, and in turn I've been blessed beyond comprehension.  Light years before Ryan proposed, I have experienced what I thought was complete hopelessness.  Knowing God was like coming home, and it made all the strife worth it.  So in a huge way, home is wherever you're at.  How about one more?  Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

Had to end it with Corinthians cuz it's all about LOVE.  Love is definitely in the air this weekend!!  Ryan wasn't the only one planning a proposal... A big congrats to my future sister in law, Rosemarie, and her groom to be, JP!  We truly have the most wonderful boyfriends... err... fiances :)

I think I'll try to get a couple hours of sleep before it's time to head to the airport.  Sigh.  Good night everyone. 

Day & Night

Just some remixing fun from my OOTD touring Nanstein Castle, and then a late night dinner at Doner Kabob.  All within the local town of Landstuhl right outside the gate.

Same outfit, different shoes.

Day and night accessories that would've made these OOTD's cuter.  Bowler hat jbros.com.  Scarf indulgy.com

Why I blog

My last entry was so... emo.  I sincerely appreciate the support from everyone; many who are beautiful strong moms who may not be going through the same thing but know exactly how I feel.

 

I stayed up past 5am being depressed, then slept until noon.  Ryan actually woke up before me, got a haircut, ran errands, bought breakfast, and now he's doing laundry!  And he's the one who's supposed to be on vacay.

Orbie's mini donuts.  Yum.  Donuts are meant to cheer people up in the morning.  Reminds me of Pier 39.  Thanks, Ryan!

One thing that has helped with the mommy blues (other than mini donuts) has been blogging.  I still have that little voice inside my head that thinks I'm super cheesy for blogging, but I'm serious when I say it has been my saving grace.

Haters be like, "You have a blog?  As if you are a somebody!!" LOL.  Image from bicoastalbitchin.com

Blogging is basically journaling but cooler and everyone and their mom can read it.  I enjoy reading other blogs and love giving credit where it's due, especially since I am inspired by many writers like Maud Purcell who talks about the following benefits of journaling on Psych Central:

• Clarify your thoughts and feelings. Do you ever seem all jumbled up inside, unsure of what you want or feel? Taking a few minutes to jot down your thoughts and emotions will quickly get you in touch with your internal world.
• Know yourself better. By writing routinely you will get to know what makes you feel happy and confident. You will also become clear about situations and people who are toxic for you — important information for your emotional well-being.
• Reduce stress. Writing about anger, sadness and other painful emotions helps to release the intensity of these feelings. By doing so you will feel calmer and better able to stay in the present.
• Solve problems more effectively. Typically we problem solve from a left-brained, analytical perspective. But sometimes the answer can only be found by engaging right-brained creativity and intuition. Writing unlocks these other capabilities, and affords the opportunity for unexpected solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems. 

What I didn't expect from blogging was the sense of community and support I get from my readers daily.  I didn't realize that by simply sharing my remixes that people would relate and be entertained or inspired.  

My remixes are seriously ordinary.  Just like any broke down twenty something year old, I was just doing what I had to do to stay afloat, and when I changed my perspective I realized I was doing nothing more than making changes wherever I could with what I had.  It's simple enough to understand, not as simple to apply.  

Courage to change what I can.  What I wear around my neck everyday.  We all need reminders.

When I challenged myself to have a blog, all of sudden I felt the urge to put more effort at whatever it was I was doing, took on more projects, took better pictures (lots of room for improvement there), started taking better care of myself, thought deeper about where I've been, the ups and the downs, and can honestly say, wow, I'm kind of alright, haha!  I'm actually someone I wanted to be growing up. Yes, journaling and blogging does that  to you. 

We all have friends who post a hundred meaningless status updates a day.  I found myself doing that, posting about diy projects and my kid.  By blogging I can reach out to community of people who actually love the same things I do.  People ask me from time to time if I plan on blogging for money, which A LOT of people do.  I've gotten a few offers to advertise people's businesses, but for now I don't see myself pursuing promos and things like that.  Maybe in the future when I have more time to focus on aesthetics and stuff.  There are so many amazing blogs out there that inspire me, but for now I blog for the benefits of journaling.

Other reasons I blog?  It's fun (!), cheers me up (or gets me down, depends on what I'm writing about.  Either way, I'm in touch with my feelings haha), keeps me engaged, encourages creativity, gives me permission to laugh at myself and try new things.  I get a kick out of what people openly share; their quirks, motivational life experiences, travels, interests... even makeup and fashion.  I'm no guru, but it keeps me young.

Stay tuned for my "Turning Japanese in Germany... I really think so" entry :)

Happy blogging and, of course, remixing!

Being a mother means always having your heart broken... My new promises to my child

"Being a mother means always having your heart broken".  I remember reading that when I was pregnant and didn't quite understand it.  To me being heart broken always translated to being unhappy about something or someone.  When I first heard my son's heart beat, felt him kick, or actually saw the shape of his foot pushing against my tummy, I still didn't get it.  It all brought me so much joy.  Why would my heart be broken, and why always?

It wasn't until I saw his thick curly hair, heard his first cry, felt his warm, smooth skin, and his tiny hand grasping my finger.. that I finally understood. 

Being heart broken for your child simply means you love them so much it literally hurts.  It means that you're always on the verge of crying because you either want the best for them so much that it frustrates you, or because you're just so darn proud of them.

 I totally get it, especially right now while my son and I apart.  It seriously pains me, and not just for the obvious reason of missing him, but for all the ways I fear I fail to appreciate all that he is and does, or times I was too hard on him or not hard enough, or how I haven't involved him in enough activities like karate or dance or soccer or swimming or violin or whatever like I maybe probably should be... 

These are the things that cross my mind, and I know it's the devil messing with me because he knows there's no one I love more than that kid, and even I know none of those things or me being with him 24/7 would create a perfect child.

As much as my heart swells to think so hard about it, I am eager to be the best mom I can be when I return from this deployment. I think every parent should actively think about this stuff.  Call me emo, but I think it's when I'm crying tears of joy AND tears of pain that I set the best goals for myself and have the proper determination to see them through.  

 

I read an article recently by Jody Wright from Renaissance Universal about treating your kids as equals.  It made me realize how immature we can be with our children.  I chuckled and teared up at the same time thinking about how blessed I am to have a son who has always been mature for his age, always so conscientious and understanding of adult matters especially right now during my deployment.  Many parents don't believe in treating their children like equals, like the article suggests, but I certainly think kids deserve a level of mature exchanges. 

It actually gave me comfort in knowing that I can consciously make better decisions and lovingly interact with my son by broadening my views.  My favorite line, "They (children) are spiritual beings, perhaps closer to a knowledge of God, having just been born from her, than we are.  From this point of view, we become gardeners for living things, rather than potters of old clay."  Word.

This is my take on Wright's advice on reducing "adultism".  These are my promises as a mother:

1. Give eye contact and complete attention.  I know, I know moms are busy, but I'd give anything right now to be swamped with something important, and then just drop it and play with my son.
2. Watch what I say and how I say it.  I mean really, how do our words compare when we talk to adults that we're frustrated with?   
3. Change the environment rather than yell or criticize.  Do I have to yell for something that will probably only occur once?  
4. Don't discipline in front of people.  This is one that I hate myself for because, in truth, I never spank my son.  I rarely even yell. All it takes is to have a little chat or give him "the eye", and he behaves.  But when we're in front of friends or family I find myself feeling like I have to be harsh or seemingly in control.  I've raised a gentle soul.  There's no need for all that.  Sharing my feelings and concerns in a private intimate setting has always worked for us.
5. Appreciate growth and the strength it takes for them to do it.  Listen to their words, body language, and expressions.  Just love them, and your heart and theirs will open up.   

It will still hurt, but a good kind of hurt.  Being deployed has taught me to never take people you love for granted.  Never expect they'll always be there to give you a hug, make you laugh, or set you straight.  Absence has definitely made my heart a whole lot fonder. 

We'll always be the Dynamic Duo

Reenacting our first date in Germany

(Click on the speaker symbol to hear music.  Slideshow brought to you by Kizoa)