Being a mother means always having your heart broken... My new promises to my child

"Being a mother means always having your heart broken".  I remember reading that when I was pregnant and didn't quite understand it.  To me being heart broken always translated to being unhappy about something or someone.  When I first heard my son's heart beat, felt him kick, or actually saw the shape of his foot pushing against my tummy, I still didn't get it.  It all brought me so much joy.  Why would my heart be broken, and why always?

It wasn't until I saw his thick curly hair, heard his first cry, felt his warm, smooth skin, and his tiny hand grasping my finger.. that I finally understood. 

Being heart broken for your child simply means you love them so much it literally hurts.  It means that you're always on the verge of crying because you either want the best for them so much that it frustrates you, or because you're just so darn proud of them.

 I totally get it, especially right now while my son and I apart.  It seriously pains me, and not just for the obvious reason of missing him, but for all the ways I fear I fail to appreciate all that he is and does, or times I was too hard on him or not hard enough, or how I haven't involved him in enough activities like karate or dance or soccer or swimming or violin or whatever like I maybe probably should be... 

These are the things that cross my mind, and I know it's the devil messing with me because he knows there's no one I love more than that kid, and even I know none of those things or me being with him 24/7 would create a perfect child.

As much as my heart swells to think so hard about it, I am eager to be the best mom I can be when I return from this deployment. I think every parent should actively think about this stuff.  Call me emo, but I think it's when I'm crying tears of joy AND tears of pain that I set the best goals for myself and have the proper determination to see them through.  

 

I read an article recently by Jody Wright from Renaissance Universal about treating your kids as equals.  It made me realize how immature we can be with our children.  I chuckled and teared up at the same time thinking about how blessed I am to have a son who has always been mature for his age, always so conscientious and understanding of adult matters especially right now during my deployment.  Many parents don't believe in treating their children like equals, like the article suggests, but I certainly think kids deserve a level of mature exchanges. 

It actually gave me comfort in knowing that I can consciously make better decisions and lovingly interact with my son by broadening my views.  My favorite line, "They (children) are spiritual beings, perhaps closer to a knowledge of God, having just been born from her, than we are.  From this point of view, we become gardeners for living things, rather than potters of old clay."  Word.

This is my take on Wright's advice on reducing "adultism".  These are my promises as a mother:

1. Give eye contact and complete attention.  I know, I know moms are busy, but I'd give anything right now to be swamped with something important, and then just drop it and play with my son.
2. Watch what I say and how I say it.  I mean really, how do our words compare when we talk to adults that we're frustrated with?   
3. Change the environment rather than yell or criticize.  Do I have to yell for something that will probably only occur once?  
4. Don't discipline in front of people.  This is one that I hate myself for because, in truth, I never spank my son.  I rarely even yell. All it takes is to have a little chat or give him "the eye", and he behaves.  But when we're in front of friends or family I find myself feeling like I have to be harsh or seemingly in control.  I've raised a gentle soul.  There's no need for all that.  Sharing my feelings and concerns in a private intimate setting has always worked for us.
5. Appreciate growth and the strength it takes for them to do it.  Listen to their words, body language, and expressions.  Just love them, and your heart and theirs will open up.   

It will still hurt, but a good kind of hurt.  Being deployed has taught me to never take people you love for granted.  Never expect they'll always be there to give you a hug, make you laugh, or set you straight.  Absence has definitely made my heart a whole lot fonder. 

We'll always be the Dynamic Duo

Reenacting our first date in Germany

(Click on the speaker symbol to hear music.  Slideshow brought to you by Kizoa)

Best autograph ever!

A secret garden, no reservation, Asian elephant awareness kind of day in Luxembourg

I loved Luxembourg so much the first time I went with my friends that I had to share it with Ryan.  We had a wonderful time, despite breaking a sweat and sore feet!  Our goal was to get to Luxembourg Gardens below the city. After passing many painted elephants and an impromptu hike we ended up a block where we started!  The view from wherever we could see it was still beautiful though.

If you're wondering if that's roasted bone marrow and toast, you're right!  I saw Anthony Bourdain raving about it on an episode of "No Reservations" and decided to try it.  First off, eating bone marrow isn't anything new in my family.  My mom and grandma break chicken bones with their bare teeth and suck out it's dark filling. Yum, right?  So anyways, I was pretty excited to try it, but honestly, it just tasted like bland fat on toast.  A little extra sprinkle of salt and pepper made it better.  It was actually kinda fun!  I'll try it again if I see it on another menu.  I believe in trying everything, not once, but twice. 

I wish I took more pictures of the colorful pachyderm canvases as part of the "art exhibition of decorated elephant statues that seeks to attract public awareness and support for Asian elephant conservation".  Elephant Parade has been on tour all over Europe and Asia, as well as California.  I'm so happy to have been able to see it.  Check out their site here.

Early Birds vs Night Owls

Let me start by saying, "YAY, RYAN MADE IT SAFELY TO GERMANY!!"  

Red. Unplanned. <3

Everyday has been absolutely wonderful! (Except maybe that hour on the third day when we got into a tiny argument).  Wait, what?  Why would we argue after two months of being apart knowing we only have two weeks together?

Different sleep patterns.  That's why.

A Holly Exley illustration - hollyexley.blogspot.com

First Day:  Ryan flew in early on Sunday, which is the official "rest day" or "spiritual elevation day" enforced by Germany's highest court.  True story.  Most businesses are closed, so naturally we decided we'd take it easy and let him rest and ease in to the time difference. 

Second Day: (or early morning, I should say) I half awoke, in pitch darkness, to Ryan nudging me to tell me that the A's turned the game around in the 7th inning against the Astros, which resulted in me sleep-talking.  The convo went like this:

Me:  Did you know Chris Young used to be in the Astros?

Ryan:  Umm, yea (probably thinking to himself that he was the one who told me).

Me:  This fool, Ryan, didn't bring any of his A's gear to Germany, so I bought him two hats at the KMC (Kauserslautern Military Community) Center.

Ryan:  Dude, I'm right here!

I might have to steal the throwback one :)

Yup, that happened, then I woke up, and remembered the whole thing like I usually do haha!  Just another regular occurrence when we lay our heads down to rest, along with very different sleeping patterns..........

Third Day:  after sleeping until noon, Ryan mentioned that he felt like he was starting to get used to the time difference, which I responded to by agreeing because he sleeps until noon at home also whenever he has the chance.  Let me just say I did NOT mean this in a bad way (at all, whatsoever!), but he took it that way, "Why do you have to be so condescending??  Wah, wah, wah *fart noise* "  GEEZ.  (Fact: crankiness is a symptom of jetlag, and I definitely had it too.  Much worse).

After our spat debate, we still had fun at the Heidelberg Palace :)

Truth is, Ryan and I do naturally have different circadian rhythms, even at home in California.  No matter how late I sleep, my body automatically wakes up no later than 6 or 7am.  Ryan on the other hand will sleep up until I methodically open the blinds room by room, play records (soft ballads at a low volume at first, progressing to more upbeat ones), and cook breakfast.  He also does his best work and likes to clean up at night.

I don't believe, however, that morning people and evening people share the same general characteristics.  Circadian rhythms can and do change throughout the course of people's lives, and our personalities just follow suit with our environments, personal values, and influences.  Now that I think of it I don't think I ever was a morning person until I became a mom.  My body just naturally adjusted to my infant's needs.  According to this chart by Harvard Business Review I'm more like an evening person, and Ryan's more like a morning person.

I must admit that during the work week, Ryan is the first to wake up due to his early commute to Oakland.  He claims to catch up on sleep during the weekends. It is during sleep that muscles and tissue are repaired and brain gets recharged, so maybe Ryan has the correct patterns down.  He is a smart, buff guy after all lol.  

Hot.  Especially the face.

All in all I do sleep more sound when he's next to me, and will sadly lose sleep when he flies back to the states (sadface).  But enough of that sad talk.  We have a Luxembourg adventure waiting to happen!!  Choos!!

 

One striped shirt, ten different ways

Remixing it up as always!  When it comes to clothes, I won't buy anything unless I can wear it a million different ways.  For example the BASIC STRIPED SHIRT that I got for 3 Euro.  

I felt 16 again, recycling thrift store finds.  I could've easily kept going even with the limited number of clothes, shoes, and accessories I have here in Germany.  Can't wait to try this again!  Next time maybe I'll muster enough courage to actually be wearing them and definitely with a real camera instead of my vintage iphone 4!

(I had to do something to speed up the time!  
2 more days until my other half gets here!)

Happy striped shirt mixing!

Cheer up, and organize your crap!

I woke up today feeling down, missing my family, wishing we were able to watch Yoenis Cespedes kick butt in the Home Run Derby together.  What's a girl to do when she's down but to 1) Thank God for your blessings, check 2) Get your hair did, check 3) Go shopping with your friends, check, and 4) Clean up, so it appears to your man that you are no longer that girl that is oblivious to the clutter on her side of the bedroom.  (Ryan's visiting in 4 days! Yayyyyyy!!)

Bought this hanging jewelry organizer for less than 5 Euro.  Perfect for the few pieces I have out here and for my growing collection of spoons.

It's hard to be organized when you live in a small lodging room, but I've had some practice living in our tiny loft.  Here's a trip down memory lane to see some ideas on staying organized in a small space.

Living in a small space means making it multifunctional.  This was my office, pantry, dining room, and I even kept clothes and all kinds of miscellaneous items in those boxes.

I am not an organized person by nature.  Clutter usually doesn't bother me until I'm upset about something else or can't find something.  Right now is not the best time to stress out, so I try my best to keep things clean or at least concealed haha!  

Time, please hurry up.  4 more days!!!!!!

Happy organizing!  K Bye!

No.

That's all Mark Salling tweeted, and that's all I could think when I found out about the sudden passing of Cory Monteith.  

What I'm thinking now is that maybe watching the West Side Story episode of Glee isn't the best idea.  

Every scene is making me cry, even scenes without Finn and Rachel.  

Glee is just such a great show.  

It's my family's absolute favorite and one of the reasons my son is exposed to a variety of music genres as well as an introduction to acceptance.  He knows about bullying and that it's wrong.  

If Ryan and I are fighting, we don't mind going to bed without talking, but we'd still watch Glee together.

I can't imagine it without Finn.   

This isn't much of a tribute, but from the bottom of my heart rest in peace, Cory Monteith.  Thank you for the happiness you brought into our lives.

Taking care of yourself for a change

If there is one thing that being deployed is teaching me it's that I need to take better care of myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I'm not saying I'm run down and haggard, but let's just say I'm maybe a little rough around the edges, and by edges I mean mah FEETS, haha!  A recent trip to a Luxumbourg taught me that, honey, it's ok to polish yourself up.  A classy city with beautiful people, high end shopping, live music, delicious food, and fish pedicures made this trip one of my favorites so far.

 I always thought I had descent feet... cute even, but I honestly cannot remember when my last professional pedi was!  Oh my goodness, never again will I underestimate the power of taking a time out from life's daily demands and pampering myself.  Once I dunked my paws in the water the fish went to town, while my friend's feet were almost bare of fish!!!!  I told her maybe the fish weren't craving chocolate, but maybe adobo and lumpia instead hahahaha!!!!  

Showing off our tiny Coke cans our manicurist gave us lol!

A fellow airman and blog buddy of mine (check her out at Latin Grooves and Funky Soul Food ), she is the perfect example of one that understands the value of, well, valuing yourself.  Through her blogs she expresses her love for Christ and zest for life through her daily adventures, and this girl doesn't mess around when it comes to her feet lol!  She, as well as the starving fish, inspired me to get my foot pampering game together!  

But enough about feet lol.  Check out our beautiful Luxembourg adventure.  You won't believe it, but the delicious food we were eating was from Pizza Hut!

I wish I could've recorded it, but there was a live band that played this song while we dined.

  Take care!

Why I love snail mail

I'm truly thankful for the luxury of being able to chat with my family online while serving overseas, but there's something special about old school snail mail.

Fun and educational way to keep in touch with your little ones.  My five year old, Kahlil, has pretty much known how to use electronics since before he could walk, but he absolutely loves checking the mail box and finding an envelope or postcard addressed especially for him.   He asked for his own postcards to send me and his cousins, so I ordered some he can color along with Angry Bird crayons and multicolored pens.

 

You get to use pretty postcards & stationary.  For every place I go I make sure to grab a handful of postcards and always send one to Kahlil, my Grandma Hermie (who has been all around the world herself) and other loved ones.  Sometimes stores give out postcards as advertisements, which is awesome because they're free.99 and always look cool.  I'm looking forward to also purchasing pretty stamps and maybe collecting them.

You get to practice your handwriting.  I usually write in all caps, but since I started sending Kahlil letters I've been writing the elementary school way.  I take my time to make it look neat and simple enough for him to read easily, and I gotta say they are moments that I am enjoying more and more.  I imagine him reading my words out loud, and it makes me smile. I think I'll practice my cursive more when I write my sweet heart, Ryan.  More romantic? LOL.  (Image courtesy of fanpop).

You get things in your mail box other than bills & advertisements.  There's nothing like receiving snail mail and recognizing your loved ones handwriting right away.  Emails are great, but there's something genuine and so thoughtful about someone writing to you.  You're also more likely to keep snail mail than an email, at least that's the case for me.  I still have birthday cards from my dad from when I was little, special heart to heart letters from my mom,  neatly folded notes from friends in high school, well wishes during boot camp, and of course every single Valentine's Day, anniversary, Christmas, and random love notes from Ryan.  I miss him so much!!  Gonna send him and Kahlil a postcard right now :)

And finally, snail mail can make someone you love smile.  Enough said.